


The Deal of a Lifetime

by LastWill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 16:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12215007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastWill/pseuds/LastWill
Summary: Remus has never been able to confess his feelings for Sirius. Snape offers to help... for a price of course.Post Battle of Hogwarts, AU.





	The Deal of a Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> You don't have to read my other story "Charmed" to understand the setting. All you need to know is Hermione Granger is Headmistress, Harry is the Defense Against Dark Arts professor, and Snape is married to Lucius Malfoy.
> 
> Remus is the resident substitute professor and Sirius, as you will discover, has been put in charge of Hogwarts Security. (Quite a job.) 
> 
> This all takes place after the infamous Battle of Hogwarts. Obviously because nearly all the main characters in this story aren't dead, it's AU.
> 
> And I apologize if sentences are fucky before I correct them, because my phone, my computer, everything I touched went batshit insane during the editing. I think I've cleared out the worst of it, though.

"There you are,” Sirius barked happily as he swung open the door with vigor.

 

The sudden disturbance in the quiet staff room caused Remus to look up from his book and Snape to bristle. While Remus was pleased to see Sirius in such high spirits, Snape was much less so, and he didn’t hide his disgust as he shot Sirius a look of hatred.

 

“Ew, not you, I’m talking to Remus,” Sirius remarked casually as he passed Snape by.

 

The book Remus was holding covered his face just in time to hide a smile as Snape’s angry gaze flickered between him. Sirius, however, didn’t feel any shame to hide his grin as he strolled over to Remus’ armchair and sat on the armrest.

 

“What are you doing in this gloomy place? How can you be reading on the nicest day we’ve had in months?” Sirius asked him. He plucked the book out of Remus’ hands and held it out of his reach. “Come with me, I managed to organize a Quidditch scrimmage- it’s handsome, talented adults against students. We’ve got all the positions filled except Keeper- oh and you should see McGonagall on a broom, she’s brilliant.”

 

“I can’t, I promised the Headmistress I would help organize a new Arithmancy curriculum,” Remus replied snatching the book out of Sirius’ hand.

 

“Hogwarts has an Arithmancy teacher, why do you have to do it?” Sirius whined.

 

“For one, I offered to do it. And two, Hogwarts has an Arithmancy substitute, which is me, because Andrea is now officially on maternity leave. I told Hermione I’d have something for her to look at early tomorrow, I’m locked down,” Remus replied apologetically.

“Fantastic, now Snape has to be our Keeper,” Sirius groaned.

 

“I would rather die,” Snape said slowly with an alarming amount of conviction.

 

“Would you really?” Sirius asked him, his mood picking up. He turned to Remus as Snape seethed. “I told everyone I knew the perfect bloke to guard the goals, now I have no choice but to drag Snape’s corpse onto the field.”

 

“Stop picking on Snape,” Remus scolded Sirius. “I know what you’re doing, it won’t work, starting a fight with him won’t make me leave this room.”

 

“Are you sure you can’t play? Not even for an hour?” Sirius asked, his eyes shining with hope.

 

It was difficult for Remus to refuse his friend anything when Sirius donned puppy-dog eyes, but he had built up something like a tolerance against it. Remus’ resolve was sound as he picked up his quill and dipped it in the inkwell located on the coffee table before him.

 

“Hermione has been very generous allowing us to live on Hogwarts property and helping her with this is the least I can do.” Remus replied scribbling a citation on a roll of parchment.

 

“Fine, go be responsible,” Sirius sighed in such a way that indicated he felt that was a detriment. “But if you turn into an ingrate like me and want to have some fun today, find me on the Quidditch field.”

 

Sirius slapped Remus on the shoulder and gave it a squeeze before getting up from the armrest. Despite his showy disappointment, Sirius left the staff room whistling and kept his good mood. Remus clutched his shoulder where Sirius had squeezed it and brushed the cloth of his robes between his fingers absentmindedly.

 

“Oh my god,” Snape said softly as the staff door closed.

 

Remus tried not to seem too curious as he looked up and saw Snape’s mouth dropped open slightly in disgust.

 

“Something wrong?” Remus dared to ask, knowing Snape would give him an honest answer.

 

“How long?” Snape asked simply.

 

“Pardon?” Remus replied.

 

“How long have you been pining after Black?” Snape asked in a silky tone.

 

“I’m afraid you’ve gotten the wrong idea,” Remus replied pleasantly.

 

Remus could feel Snape’s eyes on him as he drummed his fingers nervously in his lap and stopped, forcing himself to appear normal. For a split second he wasn’t sure what his ‘normal’ normally looked like. The awkwardness didn’t go unnoticed by Snape as he raised a critical eyebrow.

 

“Is that so?” Snape drawled, “You know I always had my suspicions that your little, friendly band of degenerates was held together by more than... camaraderie. ”

 

“I don’t want to seem rude,” Remus started without looking at him. “But I’m uncomfortable swapping theories regarding my love life with you, Severus. However, I would enjoy hearing your input on the-”

 

“-It must be disheartening to find yourself in love with a man incapable of noticing anyone but himself,” Snape interrupted, his dark eyes flashing with contempt.

 

“That's not a criticism I’d expect to hear from someone married to Lucius Malfoy,’  Remus remarked stiffly, finally losing his patience.

 

“Don’t try to change the subject, we’re talking about _you_ ,” Snape replied in a frosty tone. He paused and folded his hands in his lap. “So how long? Months? ...No, I bet it’s years,” he said with malicious glee. He watched Remus’ expressionless face and his sneer turned into a genuine, horrible smile. “Ah… _decades_.”

 

Remus shut his book a little too spiritedly and stood from his chair, strolling to the bookcase in the corner and busying himself with reading the spines.

 

“Are you ever going to tell him?” he heard Snape ask.

 

Remus threw back his head and let out a long sigh.

 

“Why don’t you tell him, Severus?” Remus said in a longsuffering tone.

 

“What an intriguing idea,” Snape replied softly. “Very well.”

 

Panic rippled through Remus’ mind and he abandoned the bookcase.

 

“I really would prefer if you didn’t,” Remus started. Snape’s triumphant smile went even wider. It was apparent to Lupin that he wasn’t going to get away with pretending he wasn’t smitten by Sirius. “Alright, you’ve had your fun. What do you want? ...You don’t strike me as a romantic.”

 

“I’m not, I’m a Potions master,” Snape replied. “and you’re a werewolf.”

 

“Yes, this is true,” Remus replied.

 

“And the properties of powdered werewolf bones are very potent,” Snape remarked.

 

Remus frowned, “What are you asking me?”

 

“I think a few digits would suffice,” Snape replied, unblinking. “Four or five toes would be fine as well. Yes, that would be fair.”

 

“...That’s positively gruesome,” Remus replied.

 

“No need for dramatics, you can request Madam Pomfrey’s help to grow them back,” Snape challenged him. “She doesn’t ask a lot of questions due to your….condition.”

 

“Not that I’d ever entertain selling my body parts to you, but I must ask: what is it you proposing, exactly?” Remus asked him cautiously.

 

“I get Black to reveal his love for you, or lack thereof, and you provide me with a rare potions ingredient,” Snape summed up.

 

Remus laughed wryly and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Sounds awfully expensive, I could very well just tell Sirius myself how I feel about him and keep my appendages intact.”

 

“No, you couldn’t, because if you could you would have done it years ago,” Snape reasoned.

 

Remus hated to admit that Snape was right. The lull in conversation seemed to confirm it.

 

“If you agree to my proposal, I’ll make strategic moves to push him into action,” Snape said, “If your romance goes sour and you find the thought of him not returning your affections is too hard to bear… I can brew you something to free yourself from them, for an additional price of course.”

 

“This conversation is over,” Remus said firmly. “I’m not chopping off body parts to have you fulfill some sick, Frankenstein’s-matchmaker fantasy.”

 

“Suit yourself. This offer won’t be on the table forever,” Snape said. He leaned forward in his chair and smiled grimly. “Unlike you, I have no patience for waiting indefinitely.”

 

* * *

 

 

Snape, thankfully, wasn’t a very chatty person, but even in the silence it was rather uncomfortable as the two of them shared the staff room. Remus felt that after an hour it would be safe to escape to kinder surroundings without causing Snape to comment.

 

He supposed he was being transparent with his affections for Sirius when the place he chose to escape to was the Quidditch pitch, but he doubted Snape had abandoned the staff room to follow him there to ridicule him.

 

At least he hoped so. Remus turned around to see if anyone was tailing him and let out a sigh of relief to discover there was no nosey-Snape trailing behind.

 

With his briefcase in hand, he climbed the Gryffindor stands and chose a front seat to watch the scrimmage. He had meant to work on his silibus but found himself glued to the game as the students struggled to score against the teachers plus Sirius. McGonagall was clearly the star player, Remus reasoned that in her prime she must have been good enough to go pro.

 

Sirius was playing chaser and doing a moderately good job of it, although he did stop playing just to speak to Remus.

 

“Moony, you came!” Sirius proclaimed. He hovered in front of the stands on his broomstick and gave Remus a joyful smile that made his heart quicken.

 

“Yes, I wanted to see how you’d fare. What’s the score?” Remus asked.

 

“No one’s keeping it, but I have been tallying the amount of times I’ve managed to knock Saxby off his broom, the little Slytherin shit,” Sirius scoffed.

 

“Padfoot!” Remus shouted drawing his wand.

 

“Well he is, he keeps hitting me with his bat and pretending-” Sirius explained.

 

Remus supposed enchanting the oncoming bludger from it’s path was cheating, but it hardly mattered because he was too late. Sensing his alarm, Sirius turned his head in the direction Remus was looking and the ball hit him square in the face, effectively knocking him off his broom.

 

“ _Arresto Momentum_ ! _”_ Remus shouted waving his wand at Sirius.

 

Sirius floated to the ground clutching his mouth as Remus made sure he wasn’t in any danger. He grabbed his briefcase before running down the stairs and out of the stands. When he immerged, he spied McGonagall standing over his fallen friend as he rushed to join them.

 

“Black, are you alright?” McGonagall repeated as Sirius lay there, dazed.

 

“I think so,” Sirius groaned sitting up. He was wiping his mouth with his hand checking for blood. “Yes, I’m fine. I’ve had much worse...guess that’s what I deserve for not keeping my head in the game.”

 

Remus couldn’t help but chuckle as Sirius’ smile revealed one of his front teeth had been chipped in half. He stuck his tongue in the gap and grimaced.

 

“...You better see Madam Pomfrey just to make sure,” McGonagall suggested. Her lips twitched and Remus surmised she was trying very hard not to laugh at him.

 

“Come on,” Remus said pulling Sirius to his feet.

 

The sound of clapping came from above as teachers and students cheered for Sirius walking off the field. As they walked towards the castle side-by-side it occurred to Remus that they were alone and unlikely to be interrupted.

 

“ _I may not get a better opportunity to tell him I feel,_ ” Remus thought.

 

The mere thought of releasing so much pent up emotion made his legs feel weak.

 

“Quidditch was always James’ game, not mine,” Sirius said, his words coming out with a bit of a lisp. “I’m rubbish, I could never keep my eye on the ball...or rather, I could never keep it off my face.

 

“Yes, you’re much more of a showman, too busy working the crowd,” Remus replied with a smile.

 

“Did you see how quickly McGonagall rushed to my side? She probably hasn’t chased a man in years,” Sirius teased.

 

Remus laughed and willed himself to relax. It wasn’t easy as Sirius lavished him with a youthful grin, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

 

“ _Put your arm around him,_ _just do it,_ ” Remus urged himself silently. _“You don’t need Snape to do this, save yourself a few toes.”_

 

The arm he lifted hovered tentatively behind Sirius’ back as they began to walk up a small, grassy hill.

 

“What do you say we grab Harry after dinner for a drink at The Three Broomsticks?” Sirius suggested.

 

“Oh, I still haven’t finished that curriculum,” Remus said. He withdrew his hand and let it fall awkwardly by his side. His heartbeat began to return to normal as he realized that he wouldn’t be making any brave moves, in its place lingered the dull ache of regret.

 

“We’ll invite Hermione, you can’t get in trouble for being out all night if she was there too,” Sirius said.

 

“Very clever,” Remus remarked. He paused. “Yes, maybe a drink is what I need.”

 

Sirius beamed at him and Remus knew then for certain that Snape was right.

 

He couldn’t admit his feelings to Sirius, not without help.

 

* * *

 

 

“A few toes, you say?” Remus sighed. He looked down at his scuffed shoes and tilted his head. “I suppose I don’t really _need_ them, just rather...attached to them in the literal sense.”

 

Snape was smirking as he wiped his hands on a dirty rag. Remus had swallowed his pride and traveled to Snape’s classroom as soon as classes were over, only to find the man chopping up something slimey that stained his fingertips an acid red color. Remus tried not to think about Snape grinding up his bones, his fingers stained with blood from his severed toes.

 

“And they said you’d be too stupid to see reason,” Snape mocked.

 

“ _They_ being you and Lucius Malfoy,” Remus guessed. Snape made no effort to respond. “I know he’s your spouse but I would prefer to keep this exchange of services between us.” Remus stated. “I don’t recall him being an especially sensitive person and this is a rather personal affair. The last thing I need is everyone in the school knowing I love my best friend and him finding out by reading it on the walls of the second floor toilet.”

 

“You think too highly of yourself,” Snape said waving his concerns away. “No one is taking interest in your affairs, least of all Lucius who couldn’t be less bored with your pathetic little romance. He’s probably already forgotten I’ve told him.”

 

As if summoned by the mere utterance of his name, the Potion’s classroom door swung open and a loud ‘ha!’ boomed from it.

 

“I told you those two mangy dogs were in love! That’s what happens when two beasts are in close proximity with each other, they hump whatever-” Lucius started. Whatever theory Malfoy had it faded when he caught sight of Remus standing before him, looking anxious. “Oh, he’s here.”

 

“Yes, on business,” Snape replied as Remus felt an embarrassed heat flush through him. “He’s decided to accept my offer.”

 

“And how long did he wait?” Lucius sang.

 

“...An afternoon,” Snape admitted begrudgingly.

 

“That’s fifteen galleons,” Lucius smirked.

 

“Excuse me,” Remus interrupted. “Am I to understand the you two have been treating my life like a game to profit from?”

 

“Not as such. You don’t actually think I need his money, do you? The man makes a pittance,” Lucius scoffed as Snape’s expression darkened. “No, we just tally up the totals at the end of the year to see who was more right and who was more wrong. The loser has to take the other to dinner costing the exact sum or more.”

 

“That’s… probably not very healthy for a relationship,” Remus said frowning.

 

“You think so? I believe knowing that I’m right about all these small matters keeps me young,” Lucius laughed. “And well fed, last year I won by fifty-two galleons,” he informed him with a smug smile.

 

“Lucius, we’re busy!” Snape snapped irritably.

 

“No need to be snippy, it’s only September, you’ll have plenty of chances to catch up,” Lucius hummed fiddling with his snakehead cane. Snape didn’t seem to share Lucius’ optimism as his nostrils flared. “Alright, I can see you’re working, we can continue our conversation later.”

 

Lucius crossed the room and with a mischievous smile disappeared in Snape’s office.

 

“Don’t touch anything!” Snape shouted after him in a threatening tone.

 

Remus folded his arms across his chest and shot Snape a chastising stare.

 

“What?” Snape scowled.

 

“Bored with my affairs, is he?” Remus said pointedly. “Severus, he wasn’t very quiet about it. I beg your discretion.”

 

“You don’t know what you’re asking. It’s impossible to keep secrets from busybody, career socialite. You’ll just have to deal with it,” Snape sneered.

 

“You were a spy, you kept secrets from _Voldemort_ ,” Remus pointed out.

 

“It’s not the same. You wouldn’t understand, you’re not married,” Snape replied. “Yet,” he mocked with a sarcastic smile.

 

“Cute,” Remus remarked. He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed. “Can I at least have your word that Sirius won’t find out on account of him?”

 

“Promise,” Snape said idly as he turned back to his table. Remus watched as he began to slice roots evenly with expert ease. “So is it official? Are you asking for my assistance?”

 

“You really think you can produce results?” Remus asked flexing his toes in his shoes. “This feels like quite an odd arrangement...I’ve never agreed to something like this before. I’m putting a lot of trust in you.”

 

“I’m fully capable of discovering information I wish to know,” Snape replied in a bored tone. “Do you agree to my terms or not? I’ve got work to do and I’m tired of hearing you babbling, Lupin.”

 

“...I agree to your terms,” Remus said choosing not to take offense. Snape didn’t say anything as Lupin watched him skin a shrivelfig. “I guess I’ll see myself out,” he said dryly.

 

The sound of a loud thump and shattered glass came from the office causing Snape to straighten from his task.

 

“Lucius!” Snape roared. “What did I say!?”

 

“That was nothing,” Lucius called to them loudly. “But all the same, don’t come in here quite yet!”

 

Snape was livid as they heard Lucius’ incantations.

 

“Are you absolute in your desire to pursue Black?” Snape asked Remus with a spark of fury in his eyes. “Because I can’t give you a refund if he drives you mad _with his incessant meddling_!” he snarled, his voice getting louder.

“Don’t over-stuff your shelves then!” Lucius replied in a defensive shout. “You were one door-slam away from it toppling anyway!”

 

“Your arse better be in a chair when I come in there and everything _exactly_ where I put it!” Snape roared.

 

“Oh no, am I in trouble with teacher?” Lucius laughed.

 

“I’m leaving,” Remus announced, his eyes wide as Snape hand closed tightly over the grip of his knife. “Thank you, Severus,” he said over his shoulder as Snape marched into his office, thankfully sans knife.

 

“Ah, come in. Please sit, you’re looking stressed,” Remus heard Lucius say.

 

He really hoped he was making a wise decision.

 

* * *

 

 

“Horrid,” Harry muttered. He pushed his half-finished fish stew away and placed down a Quidditch magazine in its place. “Have you seen the Tutshill Tornados newest uniforms? They’re wearing overalls! Yes, you heard me- they should change their name to the Tutshill Toddlers!”

 

“It’s that baby blue-color,” Sirius replied, leaning over to look. “They’re probably counting on the other team envisioning knocking their own little sons and daughters off their brooms, it’s psychological warfare. Pretty clever if you ask me.”

 

“Well I hope they have their nappies on when Ginny takes the field, she’s ruthless,” Harry said pulling away from the long staff-table. “I’ve got a teacher-parent conference but I’ll see you after at the Three Broomsticks, right?”

 

“Yes, I’m heading over with Remus once I’m finished,” Sirius replied. “I feel like a pervert looking at this picture of adults in tyke’s clothing. Can I read this?”

 

“Keep it, I wouldn’t be caught dead looking at that sorry excuse for a team,” Harry joked. “Later Padfoot.”

 

“Cheers,” Sirius replied as Harry left. He pulled the magazine towards him. There was little that would tear him away from the article regarding the controversial uniform designs, but the unusual happenings of Snape sitting in Harry’s chair was enough to break his focus.

 

Sirius looked at Snape in a mixture of astonishment and revulsion. He lifted himself out of his own seat to see if the other side of Harry’s chair was occupied, then gave him a suspicious look when he saw it was empty.

 

“Yes Black, I’m really here to speak to you,” Snape clarified. His brow furrowed once he caught sight of the magazine. “What _are_ you reading?”

 

Sirius closed the magazine quickly and placed it on the other side of the table.

 

“None of your business,” Sirius replied. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

 

“I want to discuss with you something of a personal nature,” Snape replied.

 

“You're not dying are you?” Sirius asked roughly. Snape raised a questioning eyebrow. “Or doing one of those, ‘confront the people you've wronged to achieve inner peace’ exercises?”

 

“Merlin no,” Snape muttered. He hesitated. “People don't actually do those insipid things in real life, do they?”

 

“They do it for likes and retweets on social media,” Sirius replied.

 

“I haven't the faintest idea what you just said,” Snape drawled. “I recognize that nonsense was in English, but little more.”

 

“What do you want, Snape?” Sirius said with a note of impatience.

 

“I’m here to inquire about your plans. You’ve been squatting at Hogwarts for two years and you’re still here,” Snape replied coolly.

 

“I’m not squatting, I have a job, I’m Hogwarts Chief of Security,” Sirius corrected him.

 

“I think we both know that’s not a real position but rather one the Headmistress fabricated to justify your presence here,” Snape replied.

 

“Shows what little you know, I have a badge and everything,” Sirius said continuing to eat. He paused. “Which I lost.”

 

“How convenient,” Snape sneered.

 

“I’m positive Peeves stole it,” Sirius continued thoughtfully, “I last saw it clipped to Mrs. Norris’ fur, but she wouldn’t let me get close enough to take it back. I think she recognizes my scent from my dog-form. She may be feline, but that cat is a bitch, you know?”

 

Snape stared at him blankly.

 

“Sorry, I’m used to the person sitting in that chair having a sense of humor,” Sirius huffed turning back to his meal. “Why are you haunting me again?”

 

“I wanted to know if you plan to have permanent residence here,” Snape reminded him.

 

“Yes, I’m afraid we’re stuck with each other within these castle walls,” Sirius said, “but I’m sure if we both try very hard, we can limit these pleasant one-on-ones to nil.”

 

“So you’re here to stay? No plans of you whisking your beau away on another honeymoon?” Snape pressed.

 

“‘Whisking my beau away’?” Sirius repeated with a mocking laugh. “Good goblin’s gold, we’re the same age, Snape. Do you want to tell me what this is about communicating in the language of the century we were born in? Or should I bring in an interpreter?”

 

“Two childhood friends, travelling the world together, both unmarried, one never seen a stone’s throw away from the other... when are the two of you going to to make it official?” Snape asked.

 

“Are you referring to me and Remus?” Sirius asked.

 

“Who else?” Snape sneered.

 

“Oh... I get it, you’re a greasy fruitcake so you hope everybody’s a secret gay,”  Sirius said leaning back in his chair.

 

“So your relationship is a platonic friendship?” Snape asked ignoring the insults. Sirius took a bite of roll and chewed it slowly, staring at him. “Lupin doesn’t strike me as a lone wolf, nor you, a stray dog.”

 

“I think you need to come out of your crypt more often, you’ve been breathing in too many fumes,” Sirius said with his mouth full.

 

“Since you refuse to answer my question with any sort of tact, I’ll come down to your level and be blunt... is Remus single?” Snape asked.

 

“ _Remus_?” Sirius proclaimed dropping his roll. Snape smirked as he swallowed his bite hastily, “When did the two of you become on a first-name basis?”

 

“...Interesting,” Snape hummed stroking his chin.

 

Without a second’s notice, Snape spun out of his chair so quickly his robes flaired and whipped Sirius in the face.

 

“Hey, come back here,” Sirius said to Snape’s hastily retreating back as he brushed crumbs off his robes. “Git!”

 

* * *

 

 

Remus checked his watch again as he waited near the carriages. Sirius was late and that wasn’t like him when a Hogsmeade trip was planned. He was beginning to entertain the idea of abandoning their meetup site and go looking for him, but reconsidered when he saw Sirius speed-walking towards him.

 

“Moony,” Sirius called to him as he approached.

 

“Padfoot,” Remus smiled.

 

Remus noticed Sirius wasn’t looking like his normal jovial self, instead had the aura of nervous energy as he flexed his fingers in agitation.

 

“No, this is not a smiling moment, we need to talk,” Sirius said. He climbed into the carriage quickly.

 

Still, he didn’t forget his manners as he helped Remus into the cramped seating area. Sirius was brooding silently as he jolted in time with the carriage as it began moving. Whatever had happened, Remus thought it had made his companion looked unusually grim.

 

“Is there something wrong?” Remus asked, trying to stay calm.

 

He could feel his palms begin to sweat as they were transported on the bumpy road towards Hogsmeade, their knees bumping into each other as they face one-another.

 

“Mate, I’ve just had the strangest conversation with Snivellus,” Sirius admitted. Remus attempted to appear surprised by the news. “Which given our history is pretty damn bonkers.”

 

So Snape had made a move on his behalf and it hadn’t gone over well. Remus didn’t appreciate the carriage lurching as a sick flush settled over him.

 

“Is it really so strange?” Remus asked. His stomach felt like it was twisting in knots as Sirius’ heavy expression turned even more serious.

 

“You had better watch your back,” Sirius said seriously. “I think the oily freak is planning on making a pass at you.”

 

This time Remus was authentically surprised.

 

“ _He_ is?” Remus frowned. “...Snape?”

 

“I know we’ve just had dinner and I apologize, but I think warning you is more important than not having a queasy stomach,” Sirius said eagerly. He shook his head in disgust. “Just when I thought that slimeball couldn’t be more nauseating.”

 

“Sirius, are you certain you were listening to his words correctly?” Remus asked.

 

“I know I shouldn’t have,” Sirius replied. “But he was asking if we were a couple and when he found out you were single he got this... predatory look in his eyes,” he said with a snarl.

 

“...I think you should have another chat with him,” Remus said feeling flustered.

 

“Yeah, good thinking,” Sirius said rubbing his knuckles. “Let’s corner him tomorrow after one of his classes and have a ‘chat’ with him.”

 

“I mean a real chat, Padfoot, with talking and no violence,” Remus said, but Sirius didn’t seem to hear him.

 

“We should get Harry in on this,” Sirius said. His face brightened and he grasped Remus’ arm in excitement. “Oh, I have a brilliant prank in mind!”

 

“No, no pranks,” Remus said firmly, his protests roused Sirius out of his train of thought. Remus took a deep breath.  “Sirius...we’ve known Severus for a very long time and if he admits that he fancies me that would mean he was asking me to change the entire tone of our relationship. That takes tremendous bravery...I would never humiliate him, or anyone, for taking that risk.”

“Ah…” Sirius said, staring at him. Remus swallowed thickly. “Before you make up your mind about the prank, would you at least hear me out?”

 

Remus bit back a disappointed sigh. He forced himself to smile as Sirius searched his face for approval.

 

“Sure, yes,” Remus said nodding.

 

His half-committed response was all it took for Sirius to launch into an excited narrative how they could get back at Snape for daring to find Remus attractive. Remus listened politely and nodded at the all appropriate pauses, his heart sinking.

 

* * *

 

 

Sirius managed to get the idea of pranking Snape out of his system after Hermione’s worried gasps and protests entertained them all during their excursion at the Three Broomsticks. It turned out she didn’t appreciate incapacitating her school's Potions Master just for the amusement of a few teachers. As the night went on the prank-ideas became more and more wild, and though their contents made Remus nervous, even he found himself belly laughing at a few suggestions.

 

Thankfully Sirius was vague on ‘why’ he was coming up with ideas to humiliate Snape, though in the past he never really needed a reason.

 

All the same, Remus had become rather irritated with Snape for the way Sirius had been approached. Obviously it had been a disaster.

 

The next morning Remus mentally rehearsed the conversation he was meaning to have with Snape. It was painful to wait for Snape to finish his breakfast, but once he finished his meal, Remus made a hasty excuse to leave and followed his target through the twisting hallways until they were alone.

 

“Severus, a word,” Remus called to him.

 

Snape stopped when Remus took a wide step to cut him off from walking away. He crossed his arms across his chest as Remus mimicked his annoyed expression.

 

“I’m afraid your plan’s backfired, Sirius thinks _you_ fancy me,” Remus informed him.

 

“It’s not backfired,” Snape replied. Remus’ skepticism must have been apparent enough to prompt Snape into an explanation. “Black is a base creature, if he thinks someone is moving in on his territory he’ll defend it.”

 

“You’re trying to make him jealous?” Remus asked.

 

“I admit my methods aren’t very complex, but the mind we’re manipulating hardly calls for a sophisticated ruse,” Snape replied. “Now, if that’s all,” he said sidestepping Lupin.

 

“Wait,” Remus said matching his step. Snape’s lip was beginning to curl unpleasantly. “I want to be informed on what your next move is.”

 

“Unnecessary,” Snape drawled. When Remus didn’t budge he let out an exasperated grunt, “All you need to do is look mildly interested in what I say and do. Anything more than that and you’ll be acting, and if your false displays of humbleness and trite pleasantries are anything to judge by, Black will see right through it. I don’t want to needlessly jump into my contingency plan.”

 

“You have a contingency plan?” Remus asked, unable to hide that he was impressed.

 

“Several,” Snape bragged, his foul mood finally breaking for an instant. “Are we finished?”

 

Remus didn’t have any time to respond as Snape took a long step around him.

 

Remus really hoped Snape knew what he was doing, because he was in the dark.

 

* * *

 

On Friday afternoons Remus ate in the staff room to avoid the noisy Great Hall and instead spend his lunch with his noisy colleagues, this afternoon was no exception. Sirius never skipped their informal lunch date though both Harry and Hermione did occasionally.

 

Unfortunately the pleasantry in his schedule didn’t go unnoticed- Draco also spent Friday lunch hour in the staff room and often he brought Snape with him. They never ate and Remus wondered if the sole purpose of them being there was to ruin his enjoyment.

 

There was a definite challenging atmosphere as Harry showed up with a plate of sandwiches and tea from the kitchens and Hermione with Sirius in tow. Both Snape and Draco watched them with a look of loathing.

 

“Thank you for picking up lunch, Harry,” Remus said as Harry placed the large plate on the coffee table.

 

“Father says never to feed _stray animals_ or they never leave,” Draco said loudly to Snape as he looked straight at Lupin. It was obvious his intentions were to be overheard.

 

Malfoy smugness was infuriating. Harry was about to tell him off but Sirius took action first.

 

Sirius stood very close to Draco and placed a whistle in his mouth before blowing hard. Harry watched as Malfoy collapsed, gripping his left ear as a shrill, high-pitched ring sliced through the air.

 

“Ah- Merlin!” Draco shouted.

 

Sirius flashed them all a toothy smile after he removed the whistle from between his lips.

 

“Lost my badge but found my whistle,” he remarked winking at Remus.

 

“That was _right_ in my ear, you bloody idiot!” Draco shouted.

 

“That’s your _left_ , Malfoy. Can't you tell the difference?” Sirius mocked him.

 

“Headmistress,” Snape scowled.

 

“It’s not part of his uniform,”Hermione announced warily.

Sirius placed the whistle back into his mouth and blew short bursts with every step he took towards the group. The three of them couldn’t help but laugh as Snape and Draco glared.

“How irritated do they look?” Sirius asked as he settled in his chair. A mischievous twinkle was in his eyes.

Snape and Draco’s hatred for Sirius’ new toy was apparent as they stared daggers at the back of Sirius’ head.

“You shouldn’t antagonize them,” Hermione told him. “That’s why they come here, they’re hoping you give them an excuse to get you in trouble.”

 

“They’re free to leave if we’re disturbing them,” Remus suggested with a shrug. “Right Padfoot?”

 

Sirius blew the whistle twice.

 

“That means ‘yes’,” Sirius informed them all all, keeping the shiny whistle between his playful grin.

 

“I’m going to hex that stupid thing into a molten puddle if you don’t shut it the hell up!” Draco threatened.

 

Harry, Hermione and Remus dissolved into a fit of laughter as Sirius let out what could only be described as a “sad arc” to a long whistle as he twisted in his chair to face Draco with exaggerated sorrow.

 

“My father will hear about this!” Draco snapped.

 

“Do you have any idea how lame it is to hear a man your age threaten people with his father?” Harry replied.

 

The idea of it being ‘lame’ probably didn’t occur to Draco judging from how splotchy his pale, pointed face got as they laughed at him. Not wanting to suffer any ridicule, he snatched his dragonhide briefcase before storming out.

 

“Here we go,” Sirius scoffed as Snape stood up from his chair. They watched as Snape approached them to pause and loom over them like a giant bat. “He’s come to tattle,” Sirius narrated.

 

“Headmistress, I’d like to submit a complaint,” Snape said.

 

Sirius looked vindicated as Hermione took in a deep breath and nodded.

 

“I don’t believe the board of governors would look kindly upon you upon you if they knew you are paying Black a salary to be Hogwarts resident clown,” Snape reported.

 

“Sirius is Chief of Security,” she replied.

 

“I’ve seen no evidence of that,” Snape said in soft, dangerous voice. “What I have seen is him wander the halls, raid kitchens, and take ample advantage of the school's facilities, but never have I seen him keep the peace. In fact, he does quite the opposite with these little side shows, I suspect he isn’t capable of the job you hired him for.”

 

“If the board shares your concern I’ll happily turn over his quarterly performance reviews,” Hermione said firmly.

 

“And I would-” Snape started but a loud, piercing whistle cut him off.

 

“What did you say, Snape?” Sirius grunted as Snape sneered at him.

 

“If you don’t-” Snape began to speak in an irritated tone. The whistle rang over him once more and Snape’s expression turned even more dark.

 

“Headmis-” Snape started once more, but in vain as he was drowned out.

 

“Alright Sirius, that’s enough..” Hermione said in an exasperated sigh as Remus and Harry unsuccessfully hid their laughter behind their hands. “Hand it over. Now." she said, holding out her palm.

 

“Aw,” Sirius sighed sadly, placing it in her hand. He shot Snape a dirty look, “You’re the reason we can’t have nice things.”

 

Snape looked to be holding back a nasty comment. Instead of delivering his usual vitriol, he took a moment to straighten his robes before folding his hands behind his back.

 

“Speaking of nice things… may I borrow Lupin?” Snape asked.

 

Harry choked on his tea and tried in vain to control a coughing fit. If Sirius still had the whistle, Remus was sure he’d be blowing it right now to call foul on Snape’s compliment. Sensing this was the next step in Snape’s ingenious plan, Remus tried to appear charmed by the comment and arose from his chair to silently join Snape.

 

“I’m, ah, sorry about the whistle,” Remus apologized as they walked on the far end of the room.

 

“I didn’t drag you over here to shower me with insincere apologies, we’re ending this now,” Snape said.

 

“Howso?” Remus asked. He spotted Sirius twisting in his chair to watch them.

 

“I’m going to direct you, do exactly what I say,” Snape ordered him.

 

“I thought you didn’t want me to act,” Remus replied.

 

“Desperate measures, as I am desperate to sever interactions with Black. His antics grow ever more grating,” Snape explained. “Now smile.”

 

Remus obeyed.

 

“You look lobotomized,” Snape criticized him with an unpleasant smile of his own. “You’ve got to really sell this.”

 

“I know how to smile, Severus,” Remus replied pleasantly.

 

“I suppose that is just how you look,” Snape replied. Remus envisioned walking away to leave Snape smiling and insulting the thin air. “When I finish this next sentence laugh like I said something funny.”

 

The two of them broke into laughter which caused both Hermione and Harry to take the same measure of attention as Sirius. Remus noted that his love interest watching them both closely, his mouth turned into a tight snarl.

 

“What’s the joke?” Sirius asked loudly.

 

“Ignore him, don’t even look at him,” Snape said softly. “Now, this is very important, so don’t cock it up. When Black loses his temper tell him we’re involved and be sure to deliver that news before he blasts me into an oblivion.”

 

Remus dropped the fake smile. “Just what exactly are you going to do?”

 

Snape grabbed his hand tenderly. Remus took a deep breath and tried his best resist the urge to step backward as Snape leaned in close.

 

“What the hell-?” Sirius gasped.

 

“Uh…” Harry started.

 

“Harry?” Hermione asked looking at him.

 

“I don't’ think this is dark magic,” Harry said quietly. A horrified chill ran through them as them as they witnessed Snape press a kiss to Lupin’s hand. “I’m not ruling it out though.”

 

“Oi, Snape!” Sirius shouted jumping to his feet.

 

“Oi, what?” Snape mocked him, finally acknowledging his presence.

 

“What do you think, slimeball? Get your filthy hands off him!” Sirius said marching over to the two of them.

 

“Sirius, please calm down,” Remus pleaded.

 

Sirius didn’t take Remus’ advice. He pushed Snape back roughly and drew himself up to his full height, his shoulders square and his fists clenched. Snape was smirking as Sirius’ neck flushed red and the heat spread over his cheeks.

 

“He’s off limits you twisted freak!” Sirius snapped.

 

“Off limits? He’s single,” Snape replied. “Unless there’s been a misunderstanding?”

 

“Yes, you’re married! Or did you forget?” Sirius said angrily.

 

“...What’s a little affection between colleagues?” Snape drawled with a horrible grin.

 

“That’s- you’re revolting,” Sirius stuttered, starting to shake with anger.

 

“Sirius, this is out of line,” Remus scolded him. “Severus and I, we’re involved.”

 

“Oh my God,” Hermione gasped softly, covering her mouth with her hands.

 

“...Should I get Madam Pomfrey?” Harry asked, looking lost.

 

Whatever argument Sirius had been gearing up to deliver  had been wiped out in that tense moment. His attention had completely shifted from Snape to Remus.

 

“Everyone. Leave.” Sirius said in a strangled tone. “Remus... _we need to talk_.”

 

“Leave him with you? I don’t think so,” Snape scoffed.

 

“I said get lost somewhere, _Snivellus_ ,” Sirius said, looking murderous. Snape’s nostrils flared at the nickname but he offered no argument.

 

“Just go, Severus,” Remus told him.

 

Snape nodded. Sirius looked like he was ready to punch him, and Remus was concerned he might do it as Snape turned his back on them and exited.

 

“Sirius-” Harry started.

 

“Go,” Sirius demanded. “I need to speak to Remus. Alone.”

 

Hermione knew better than to argue. She grabbed Harry’s arm and led him away from the disturbing scene.

 

“Are you mental?” Sirius gasped once the door had closed with a snap.

 

“Maybe I am a little mental. Maybe that’s what happens when a person is lonely and needs companionship,” Remus rambled.

 

“Companionship with _Snape_!? Are you bloody self-destructing!?” Sirius shouted with a hysterical note.

 

“I admit that he’s not my first choice,” Remus said. He paused as Sirius gaped at him. “But he offered...and it’s not as if I have a line of suitors going out the door,” he paused again, his heart pleading for Sirius to snap out of his hysteria and finally pick up on the hint.

 

“What was the name of the barmaid who used to sneak us drinks at the Hogshead,” Sirius asked darkly.

 

“What?”

 

“What was her name!” Sirius demanded.

 

“Are you- testing me?” Remus stammered raising his eyebrows. “Do you not think I’m me?”

 

“Answer the question!” Sirius shouted.

 

“I don’t know, Linda something,” Remus said frowning. Sirius drew his wand, a maddened glint in his eye. “Padfoot- whoa!” he said leaning away from the wand’s end. “Liza Freeman- her name was Liza Freeman!” he recalled.

 

“Damn,” Sirius said in a hoarse voice as he lowered his wand and slipped it back in his robes. “You know…I really hoped you’d get that wrong.”

 

“...I’m sorry,” Remus apologized.

 

“...Did you...touch him?” Sirius asked. “No- don’t answer that- I’m going to vomit!” he shouted. He sprinted to the rubbish bin the corner of the room and leaned over it.

 

“Sirius, can we please sit down and talk?” Remus pleaded to his back. “Let’s get a cup of tea and settle our nerves a bit.”

 

“Tea won’t solve this, we’re way beyond comforting beverages, Remus!” Sirius shouted angrily.

 

Remus jumped when Sirius punched the wall. When he laid a hand on Sirius’ shoulder it was violently shrugged off. Instead Remus waited as Sirius let out a pained grunt while nursing his hand.

 

“Are you alright?” Remus dared to ask.

 

“No!” Sirius snapped. “How could I be? I don’t know who you are anymore!!”

 

“You’re right… I’ve been hiding the real me from you for years,” Remus said grimly. His heart was pounding so loudly he felt each thump in his ears. Things couldn’t get much worse, he may as lay his burdens down. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you...ever since you said you thought werewolves were cool, and you brought me chocolate on my recovery days...ever since you first howled when I howled at the moon so I wasn’t alone…when we snuck into Honeydukes and got locked in, so we ate candy and laughed all night until James found us...”

 

Sirius looked up from his hand and finally at Remus. His expression was cold.

 

“You mean since we were children,” Sirius stated.

 

“Yes,” Remus replied. He swallowed thickly.  “You see, ever since we were children I’ve been wanting to say that I love you.”

 

“I love you too, but-” Sirius snapped.

 

“-No, you’re not understanding me,” Remus insisted. “I do love you, but what I’m saying is different when I tell you...I love you.”

 

Sirius, for the second time that night, gaped at him. Remus stared at his shoes and cleared his throat.

 

“So there it is, then,” Remus said trying not to sound devastated. “I can put on a pot of tea and we can put this behind-”

 

Sirius’ hands cupped the back of Remus’ neck and pulled him into a forceful kiss. A jolt of dizzying pleasure, elation, and shock coursed through him as Sirius pressed himself tightly against him. They were both breathless and jittery when the kiss was broken.

 

“You too?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded. “When?”

 

“...Ever since you you trusted to tell me you are werewolf and smiled when I brought you chocolate, ever since we sang together at the moon, and especially when I locked us in Honeydukes to get you all to myself for a night,” Sirius recalled with a wide grin.

 

“Oh Merlin, we’re so bloody pathetic,” Remus laughed. “What a pair we are!”

 

“Yes, a pair,” Sirius replied. “... at last.”

 

Remus barely had a second to brace himself before Sirius went in for another desperate kiss. Remus wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace, one he wouldn’t have dared indulge in before their admission. Reluctantly the kiss was broken. Remus smiled as Sirius held his gaze, the man’s curvy lips were flushed and he looked slightly dazed.

 

“Is your hand hurt?” Remus asked.

 

“Forget my hand- forget all hands- I've never felt better!” Sirius told him between kisses.

 

“No really-” Remus said kissing him. “That sounded like- it hurt-”

 

“Later- I’ll deal with it later,” Sirius assured him. “This conversation is going nothing like I thought it would.”

 

“I’m really sorry about earlier,” Remus apologized. “It was all Snape’s idea. He was helping me.”

 

“For the record...those lips have never touched his, have they?” Sirius asked.

 

“No,” Remus laughed.

 

“So the Snape thing-” Sirius started, looking pained.

 

“Is not a thing,” Remus assured him. “Well, it was a different thing than the thing you think it was, it was only a thing to get you to admit if you had feelings for me,”  Remus explained. “Or maybe a thing to push me into admitting it,” he frowned. “...I wasn’t really privy to the details.”

 

They kissed again and Sirius jerked his head back.

 

“Why was Snape helping you of all people?” He frowned.

 

“Ah...because I could pay him,” Remus with an uneasy grin. Sirius frowned. “Can I explain later?”

 

“Much later,” Sirius said. Remus cried out his name in startlement as Sirius picked him up off his feet and placed him on the couch. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this!”

 

* * *

 

 

The courtyard was empty on the cool, autumn day save for two lovers unknowingly being observed by Snape and Lucius Malfoy. A chest-high stone wall divided the men from the unfolding scene, Sirius and Remus sat tightly together on a bench, their thighs touching and their hands entwined. A grunt of disgust escaped Snape’s mouth as the two of them kissed.

 

“What have I done,” Snape spat venomously.

 

“You’ve made two people very happy,” Lucius replied by his side.

 

“I know. I hate it,” Snape replied grimly. “Never again, Lucius. I hadn’t factored how irritating they would be once they became a couple. If I knew they were going to swallow each other’s tonsils every waking moment of the day I would have asked for an entire limb as payment.”

 

“At least we got to hear the quiet, demure, werewolf scream in agony. That was funny, you didn’t even give him a chance to numb the area before cutting his toes off,” Lucius remarked.

 

“Mmm,” Snape hummed. “Ugh, now look where Black’s hands are going, this is obscene, children could be watching,” Snape sneered. “The moment this turns pornographic, and it will, I’m getting the Headmistress... Black and Lupin have gone too far.”

 

“Huh, Black is a lot stronger than he looks,” Lucius mused as they watched him hoist Remus off his feet. “I think I could do that,” he said putting his hands on Snape’s hips.

 

“Get off- no-” Snape said slapping his hands away, “Don’t ever touch me emulating that stupid brute.”

 

“Now Severus, you must give credit where credit’s due... even I can recognize Black as a natural romantic,” Lucius said as he looked over at the pair wistfully. “Ah, doesn’t that look fun? Please let me try.”

 

“....Alright, but in private,” Snape relented. “ _We_ are dignified.”

 

“HEY!” Sirius boomed in their direction.

 

“Merlin’s goat, he saw us,” Lucius said joining Snape as they both ducked behind the wall.

 

“No, I see you two peeping perverts!” Sirius growled. Snape was the first to stand up and Lucius followed suit, donning a regal disposition as Sirius fumed. “For the last time, stop following us or I’ll report you snakes to the Headmistress!”

 

“It’s us who are reporting you to the Headmistress!” Snape yelled back in an indignant snarl.

 

“Whatever for?” Lupin asked.

 

“ _Gross indecency_ ,” Snape replied, his nostrils flaring.

 

“And will you be turning yourselves in as an example?” Sirius shot back.

 

“Us?” Lucius said letting out a rich laugh. “We’re not the ones snogging in every crevice of the school! I’m amazed you two haven’t grown gills you so seldom come up for air!”

 

Snape joined in with Lucius’ cruel laughter as Sirius bristled and Lupin squirmed uncomfortably.

 

“Yes, why don’t you both march into the Lake and give the school some respite from your vulgar displays,” Snape goaded them.

 

“And is the Lake the only place the ‘school’ won’t follow us?” Lupin asked making air quotations with his fingers.

 

“Hey!” came a voice. All four of them looked around to figure out where the shout had come from. “Up here, you raving maniacs!”

 

Both Lucius and Snape had to lean over the wall to see Draco scowling down at them.

 

“Draco! Hello son!” Lucius greeted him pleasantly.

 

“Can the lot of you stop that racket? I’m trying to teach a class!” Draco shouted down at them irritably.

 

“Terribly sorry, Severus and I are collecting intelligence for our report!” Lucius explained. “The hounds have been airing out their business for the world to see and we got in a bit of a witty tiff!”

 

“So I gathered, I’ve had to hand out four detentions because everyone keeps sneaking to the window,” Draco said with disgust.

 

“Merlin’s beard, does this mean Remus and I are Hogwarts new ‘it couple’?” Sirius asked excitedly next to a sheepish looking Lupin.

 

“That’s not actually a thing, you bloody fool,” Snape growled.

 

“Certainly not for you,” Sirius mocked.

 

“I made you two, I could unmake you!” Snape threatened loudly.

 

“Yeah? Here’s two fingers for payment,” Sirius replied, flipping him off.

 

“Hey!” Draco shouting for their attention again. “I’ve got news for you, none of you are ‘it-couples’, just ‘dammit couples’, as in dammit you’re ruining my Charms lesson!” he shouted hotly.

 

“That one seemed forced,” Snape criticized to Lucius.

 

“They’re not all going to land,” Lucius shrugged.

 

“Either stand eighty percent closer to each other and speak at a normal volume or clear off before I set Filch and his beastly cat on you!” Draco shouted, a flush coloring his pale cheeks.

 

“Apologies... Sunday dinner at six!” Lucius said waving to him. “We’re having duck!”

 

Draco rolled his eyes to the heavens before disappearing out of the window.

 

“Don’t follow us,” Sirius called as they walked by with his arm around Remus’ shoulders. He helped prop his mate up as they took careful steps.

 

“Bye,” Remus said the pair of them as they glared.

 

Sirius’ arm dipped and he gave Remus a squeeze on the right buttcheek.

 

“You’re through here, Black, I’m getting the Headmistress!” Snape shouted storming off.

 


End file.
